M Y   S T O R Y

I love my mind.  I love my body.  I love my spirit.  I love me.

Let’s back up a bit because I most certainly didn’t always feel this way.  I can actually remember a pivotal point in my childhood where in a very short amount of time my thoughts of self-worth shifted from “I’m awesome, pretty, smart, fun, athletic, etc.,” to “I’m ugly, fat, dumb, not good enough, etc.” I was 12.  Unfortunately, the majority of those thoughts lasted for many years, most of which were during a very formative time.

During that time period if you were to look at me you would see a smiley, charismatic girl, andon the outside, I was.  I shoved all my feelings deep down, put on a happy face, and didn’t share because I didn’t think anything I said was worth hearing.  But underneath, I had such terrible thoughts about myself.  Thoughts that I would never even think about another person, let alone verbalize.  Not only did I think and say these horrible words to myself, but I would affirm them by writing them down in my journal constantly.

When I was about 14 I started obsessing over my body.  I figured it was the one thing I could control, and I was going to do everything in my power to do it.  I would skip meals constantly, binge on chips/candy/ice cream (then beat myself up and make myself wrong for doing it), exercise like crazy (then beat myself up and make myself wrong for skipping a work-out), and so on.  See a trend?  I hated my body, and I definitely hated food.  I would physically pass out from poor nutrition, and never did I attain the image of myself that I had in my mind.

When I got a bit older I had other coping mechanisms that temporarily helped me feel better about myself.  You know, all the super unique ones: partying too much, spending time with people that had worse self-esteem than I did, spending time with people more “evolved” than myself in hopes that it would rub off, relationship after relationship in hopes that someone would finally love me (tragic, I know), reading one self-help book after another, doing every diet imaginable while yo-yo-ing give or take 30 lbs., etc.

Well, lo and behold, all those negative thoughts and poor health choices eventually caught up to me!  By the time I was 24 I had stomach issues, PCOS, and anxiety.  Top it off with getting laid-off and ending a serious relationship (in the same week, mind you), and I was in my own personal hell.

When I finally picked my sobbing, sad face out of my temporary escape, I was able to see what a blessing my journey has been.  Sure, it didn’t feel like roses and unicorns, but it still felt like a blessing.  Once I recognized that, I started to delve deeper into my spiritual journey, which actually felt like picking up where I belong.  Through this I gained so much clarity, joy, fulfillment, and really started to genuinely love and care for myself.  This felt like such a healing for me.

You know that super annoying (albeit true) saying, “Everything happens for a reason?”  Guess what?  Everything did happen for a reason!  Each and every little (and big) moment in my life brought me to this exact moment today. Through this I found my passion and joy through a career that I love, but I also learned that I am so much more.  I am kind, I am caring, I am a good person, I am love.  It may have taken me a long time to see it, but I am so grateful that I finally did.  Every situation that seemed crappy, every one of my “light at the end of the tunnel” moments, every relationship, every job, every piece of food I ate, every person I ever met, every word I thought, everything.  It all brought me to who I am.; who I always was.

I love my mind.  I love my body.  I love my spirit.  I love me.

I truly believe that in order to love where you’re going, you must love where you are at.  I am still on my wellness journey, and while it is something that I acknowledge daily, it just keeps getting better and better!  If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be to stop with the bullshit thoughts, and love yourself.  All of yourself!  You are beautiful. You are kind.  You are smart.  You are a unique sparkle that is meant to shine!

Do YOU want to shine, too?